"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
- John Milton
Something should change after today (I'm not saying it must, but it would be sad if nothing did change). It's not like today was special or anything. But a combination of things made it decidedly different. Let's see what those things were.
I had two exams today. Both the papers were unexpected (the first went unexpectedly bad, the second unexpectedly good). This has wreaked havoc on my mind since the morning. One category of people will say, "Look at that nerd, allowing petty exams to play with his mind like that". If that sounds like you, you probably won't understand this post, so I'll save you some time and suggest you go do something more productive.
I had two exams today. Both the papers were unexpected (the first went unexpectedly bad, the second unexpectedly good). This has wreaked havoc on my mind since the morning. One category of people will say, "Look at that nerd, allowing petty exams to play with his mind like that". If that sounds like you, you probably won't understand this post, so I'll save you some time and suggest you go do something more productive.
Next, I got an email today from Amazon saying I've been short-listed for a phone interview, along with 10 other candidates. This is in regards to a summer internship, by the way. I need to explain the situation more. My last exam's on the morning of Wednesday, the 28th, and on that very day I'm hoping to catch a train home for a 10-day-long break (which I'm badly in need of). But get this: Tuesday, the 27th, might potentially be the day I've to give the Amazon interview, which means I might have to cancel that dear ticket in case the selection process takes more than a day (which it probably will), which means bye-bye home. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'll wait until the interview date comes out for sure. With any luck, the whole thing will get delayed to until after the 10-day break. Still, it's no less troubling.
Another thing is, I also interviewed with Google (which is where I'd want to intern, given a completely free choice) a few weeks ago, but didn't make it. Since then, the notion that I'm somehow inferior has been pricking me at the back of my head. I know this isn't true, but I have doubts now. I don't know if acknowledging it this way is good for my psyche, but it's liberating. Also, isn't acknowledging the existence of a problem the first step towards solving it?
Ok, now for a little background. I think JEE was the intellectual high in my life. Since then, over the past two years, my mind's been rusting away, bit by little bit. I still "learn", but I've stopped "thinking". Now I only "get" stuff if it's spoon fed to me, broken down to the level of trivial obviousness. My mind loathes thinking. It moves slower than a glacier. I'd been suspecting this since some time now, but only today can I honestly, totally accept it. After those 2 exams, my internship situation, a little contemplation and some help from a friend. And that scares the life out of me.
I treasure my mind, and if you take that away, nothing remains. My mind is my life. The "outside" world is irrelevant; what matters is what's inside of me, and it's easy to forget that in the din of the "extrovert" crowd today. I'm probably a "forced part-extrovert", meaning that I used to be an introvert before life tossed me into IIT with a bunch of amazing people. Even now I prefer communicating in writing rather than a face-to-face talk, which is also why I prefer an online chat to a phone call. I'm an aspiring computer programmer, so this issue is very relevant here.
Coming back to the topic, what I want is to get back into that state of the mind. I want to enjoy thinking again (it's not like I don't enjoy thinking now, but for some reason, my mind totally revolts if I try to force it, unless there's an emergency, like an exam). If that is to happen, I must examine the causes of this degradation, and try to revert their effects. I have some possible reasons in mind:
1. IIT has made me too complacent / egotistical / lazy. Even though I act all humble, I really believe I have a big ego. Placing 361st out of 3.85 lakh candidates does that to you (see what I did there?). The complacence is a direct product of the ego and the laziness. Then again, I'm not sure if one can be a good programmer without that ego. After all, you like creating things only if they satisfy your ego, so as to keep you going at it, again and again.
2. It's easy to get lost in the micro-battles in life on this campus, every day. Assignments, tests, classes, internships, you name it. It's completely overwhelming. Pretty straight-forward compared to the next one — which you may not be able to appreciate due to its technicality, but it affects me somewhat so I'll put it down anyway.
3. Being in the "Department of Computer Science & Engineering" doesn't help. I put that name in quotes because that's not really what I want to do in regards to work. I want to be a good programmer, as opposed to being a computer "scientist" (who's more on the research side) or a computer "engineer" (more of the enterprise-y type, codes in Java and cites "industry best practice" at every opportunity). I just want to create good things that people can use and appreciate. If you find that to be a naive aim, you might be right, help yourself. But I'm too young to have a broader goal for now, and I know there's much to learn. On the other hand, if you're wondering where all this wisdom comes from, it's from Hackers & Painters by Paul Graham. One sentence from that book summarizes this point succinctly:
So which is it? It's a stinky combination of them all, I think. #1 is particularly sneaky. It's got a kind of "recursive evilness" to it, as more technically-minded readers would understand. #2 is more immediately obvious. #3 is something I can't really explain any better than I already have.
The solution? It's as simple as ever: to start forcing my mind into uncomfortable situations, so it gets a kick in the ass to whirr and grind away when I want it to. That's the result of this long-winded discussion. But it's easier said than done; I'll have to actively, consciously, think of this and implement it, every day.
The very fact that I've written this long post is evidence of how much I wish this to happen.
Something should change, don't you think?
Coming back to the topic, what I want is to get back into that state of the mind. I want to enjoy thinking again (it's not like I don't enjoy thinking now, but for some reason, my mind totally revolts if I try to force it, unless there's an emergency, like an exam). If that is to happen, I must examine the causes of this degradation, and try to revert their effects. I have some possible reasons in mind:
1. IIT has made me too complacent / egotistical / lazy. Even though I act all humble, I really believe I have a big ego. Placing 361st out of 3.85 lakh candidates does that to you (see what I did there?). The complacence is a direct product of the ego and the laziness. Then again, I'm not sure if one can be a good programmer without that ego. After all, you like creating things only if they satisfy your ego, so as to keep you going at it, again and again.
2. It's easy to get lost in the micro-battles in life on this campus, every day. Assignments, tests, classes, internships, you name it. It's completely overwhelming. Pretty straight-forward compared to the next one — which you may not be able to appreciate due to its technicality, but it affects me somewhat so I'll put it down anyway.
3. Being in the "Department of Computer Science & Engineering" doesn't help. I put that name in quotes because that's not really what I want to do in regards to work. I want to be a good programmer, as opposed to being a computer "scientist" (who's more on the research side) or a computer "engineer" (more of the enterprise-y type, codes in Java and cites "industry best practice" at every opportunity). I just want to create good things that people can use and appreciate. If you find that to be a naive aim, you might be right, help yourself. But I'm too young to have a broader goal for now, and I know there's much to learn. On the other hand, if you're wondering where all this wisdom comes from, it's from Hackers & Painters by Paul Graham. One sentence from that book summarizes this point succinctly:
"Universities and research labs force hackers to be scientists, and companies force them to be engineers."(here, me = "hacker" = "programmer"). Basically the only good place for people like me is in tech startups, or in big companies with a relatively larger percentage of "hackers" and less office politics, like Google. Since I'm caught up in "science" and "engineering", it's an obstacle in my path.
So which is it? It's a stinky combination of them all, I think. #1 is particularly sneaky. It's got a kind of "recursive evilness" to it, as more technically-minded readers would understand. #2 is more immediately obvious. #3 is something I can't really explain any better than I already have.
The solution? It's as simple as ever: to start forcing my mind into uncomfortable situations, so it gets a kick in the ass to whirr and grind away when I want it to. That's the result of this long-winded discussion. But it's easier said than done; I'll have to actively, consciously, think of this and implement it, every day.
The very fact that I've written this long post is evidence of how much I wish this to happen.
Something should change, don't you think?
